Some negative thinking

I know it's been awhile since the last time I wrote here. Things didn't go very well since the beginning of summer. I have been so full of hopes and expectations, like look at all the plans I have for this summer, I will find a summer job, I will volunteer at an animal shelter, I will find new friends and maybe a boyfriend, I will become more optimistic and joyful, I will go to gym, etc., etc., etc,.
Well, as often, pretty much everything fell apart. And since one thing goes wrong, I tend to worry about everything, I can suddenly remember all the things that could possibly go wrong and hello anxiety, here  you are again.
People say that having plans for future makes you more confident about life, brings you hope and such things. Maybe. But from my experience, it's only worse when I have plans because when I have  projects there is something negative that happen  and oops! no more possibility to make my plans actually happen. So I become afraid to only think about something that I want to do.

Ugh, I made this blog to write about positive changes in my life but maybe I am too weak / not lucky enough to have these changes :(  I really don't want to complain, nobody knows how I am sick of complaining but I am so not feeling good right now...

To make someone fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with yourself first.

I didn't realise the sense of this sentence until now. I wish I did when I was younger.

It's not that I ever truly hated myself but I didn't love myself neither. For all my life, I knew that my appearance and my communication skills weren't my strongest points because I never heard someone telling me I was beautiful or that they considered me like an interesting personne. I was good at school and I had good grades but that's it. So it naturally became my only strong point: my academic results.

Well, it's maybe  not bad to think you are smart enough to have good grades but I have to tell you that it never ever gave me a reason to have good self-esteem: whenever I go, guys don't look at me with interest, they don't fall in love with me, they act like I am not here, like I am just a part of paysage and, well, it's sad because when you see no one likes you, you just start to think the same. 

Well, I think I don't have to explain that when you don't have a good self-esteem, it's difficult  not only to have boyfriends but also to make friends...

The truth is I am tired of it. I really am. I want to have friends. I want to spend my life in the way that makes me happy. I want to be happy. And I want to fall in love and being loved. 

I realise I have to start with my self-esteem and more particularly I have to start taking care of myself. I want my blog to be the chronicles of my path to being more confident about myself, to enjoying my life, to being more social. And in the meanwhile, I will post some random stuff like books I read, movies I saw, things I have to say and whatever I want to be here :)

The first pancake is always spoiled

The idea of creating a blog often was in my mind but I've always find excuses to put it for later. Now, that I'm finally  on vacation from college and didn't find yet some job for summer, I have no excuses :)
I like to write. I liked it for a long time, I even wanted to be a journalist when I was younger. I don't claim I know how to write good but, oh well, I will try.
The main idea is that I want to write what I feel, what I see and  what I like, for  archiving it for me and for anyone who will come on my page. I used to always keep a diary, a paper one, and to write what's happening in my life but I dropped this habit for a long time ago now. Plus, you have so much possibilities with an electronic blog, you can post whatever you want: a text, a video, a song, a link and what not... I just hope I'll stick with my determination and post things periodically because, well, I have to confess I'm a very, very lazy person.